Letter

I miss you, Shane.  This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  I don’t know if what I did was right.  I’m sorry I hurt you.  I’m hurting too.  These past couple of days have been a blur.  I don’t know how I’ve been functioning.  I tear up every time I think about you.  And I have been thinking about you a lot.

Every time my phone buzzes, I hope it’s you.  And every freaking time Kenny knocks on the door, I hope it’s you.  But it’s not.

I’ve never been this sad.  I don’t know if what I said was right.  I don’t know if I can know.  I just don’t know.  I have so much doubt, and now I’m afraid.  I’m afraid I’ve made a terrible mistake.  I’m afraid that I’ve hurt you too badly that you won’t ever speak to me again. 

But I think that if we really are meant to be together, then we will be.

I noticed something today… I was completely distraught this afternoon.  But when I thought about the possibility of us together again I felt so much better.  I think that means something.  It could probably be me just trying to cope, but I really do think that feeling was important.

            I think that I definitely needed to be honest with you.  I am glad that I could tell you what I need to do.  But I’m not so certain that I need to do it on my own.  I want to pretend like I know what I’m doing.  I want to feel certain about my decisions.  My problem is that I don’t, and I can’t.

            You mean so much to me.  I still can’t fathom life without you.